Jan 2
I'm an introspective person. I overanalyze and think about things far too much. Worst of all, I hope too much. I let my mind wander in non-productive ways and allow it to entertain dreams that won't come true.
What is most perplexing/frustrating/exasperating to me is that at this point in my life, after all this weight loss, I feel like these dreams aren't as far away as I once thought. I'm all "Here I am now! Let's go!' But, life doesn't work like that.
I'm finally going through adolescence. Watch out.
Dec 31
The sun is shining on me right now. There's a dog asleep on my legs. The cat is sitting on my right, precisely in the mousing area of the lap desk. It is quiet in this house. All I hear is the click of the keyboard and the wind chime. Sometimes a car roars by. I turned the ringer off on my phone with the intent of taking a nap. Sleep, as usual, won't come.
The family will be getting together around 7pm for dinner. I took a look at the menu for this new place we are going to and can't find a thing that I can eat. So, I'll just sit there, staring at everyone else enjoy. Afterwards, my sisters will be going out to some club. I debated going and hanging out with Mom at the home for the midnight hour, but, I don't think so. Instead, I'll be here alone. Alone and hoping that I win the powerball lottery. I'd like enough to quit work, buy a new home, bring Mom home, hire nurses for her, live the rest of my life without HAVING to work, and enough to open and run Nacho Fries for at least 10 years. That's all.
I remind myself that something good did happen. Dad is letting me stay in his house after all. But, I'm so used to setbacks, it is hard to accept something good. Hard to appreciate it since I feel like sooner or later, I will have to pay for the kindness. I don't know if it is reality or not, but, I feel as if I've paid quite a bit in this life. Anyway, the sun is still shining.
Nov 4
I spend a lot of time staring out at the river. Most days the water is still. If I'm lucky, it is very windy and tiny whitecaps will appear. There is a small family of geese that comes and waddles around. They make me smile. At one time there was a bus route traveling along side the river. It never failed to amuse me when the bus full of busy business people had to stop to allow the feathered family to cross the lane. Even if I was one of those that were running late, I still smiled.
Today, the sky isn't the rich blue I like. It is more a washed out kind of blue. Something about that blue makes me uneasy. As if the sky itself is a little worn and tired of holding us all on the earth. What if she gets really tired and just lets us all float away? Nearby is an Air Force base. Their planes make the sky rumble and roar. I don't like that I can't see these planes. Those noises make it easier for me to believe my tired sky theory.
There is a fuzzy, brown line on the horizon. Smog. Ew. I wish I could use a giant vacuum to clean that smog away. I know the sky doesn't like seeing it either. A grungy spot on her pretty dress.
Sep 28
So, I got a newsletter from Amy Karol / "Angry Chicken". I hadn't visited her site in a while, so over I clicked. My eyes wandered over the pretty pictures and words. And then I get sad. How messed up is that?
I see this life presented and I feel like I want one. I want a life where I enjoy cooking/baking. Where I know how to sew and craft pretty gifts for people. Sometimes I indulge this wish and buy a craft related book... and a few supplies like material, needles, thread, etc. I receive the box of stuff and excitedly go through it while I imagine making this or that. Then, I look around my house. Hmmm... where do I have space to lay this out? I might carve a spot out for myself and open some supplies. Then, the phone rings or someone needs me for something. Things get piled on top of the project.
I have plenty of excuses and reasons as to why I don't make time for my wish to be crafty and creative. What's really holding me back? Fear that whatever I make isn't good enough? Isn't pretty enough? That whomever looks at it won't 'get it'? Why isn't my own approval and pleasure in the act of making something good enough? Why don't I put aside the computer game and choose instead something that lets me try to be creative?
